I am in a place to now imagine what my loved ones would want me to see and accomplish, and now I can begin the tedious details of doing those things. Is this an easy undertaking? NO! I have to channel my heartache into an amazing change and then begin to transform my life. Coming from someone who doesn’t like big change, this is big. But “Wala”…. well, not so easy, but I am trying. I have learned to embrace a new path which included jumping both feet into cold and dark places, knowing that I wasn’t being punished but being refined, made new. It’s an uncomfortable place to be, but I push through and continue on. Sometimes this still seems agonizing, tiring, overwhelming, impossible, but, I keep trying. Some days, that’s over and over and over until the lesson is learned. Some days I wondered why people couldn’t see what I was feeling on the inside, because I thought my heart was outside of me.
Things that are helpful on this journey are comforting things from outdoors & in nature, which at its heart is a response to the loss. My list includes: sunlight, birds, flowers, fresh vegetables, grilling, fresh cut grass or trees, picnics, stars, playing in the rain or water, & sand. These help me with rejuvenation, restoration, and renewal to the soul. It is a proven fact that being outdoors can help with emotional well-being, recovery & concentration. It does seem a bit ironic that our culture uses some of those things such as flowers and plants to be a symbolic part of our rituals surrounding death, and then they are some of the very things that then can help us heal. I have heard more recently that grief walking retreats and woodland burials are being incorporated more and more into our cultures. Nature becomes one of our best medicines, no side effects, free for the taking, clean air, & sensory delight.
Nature helps us to keep moving just when we may want to remain still or stuck. Walking can provide a powerful inspiration to keep going when it feels like our world has been destroyed. Nature is a strong internal force, bringing hope of surviving the loss. Walking has also helped me to see that even though my own world was standing still, the outside world was going on. Walking was like giving my brain a much needed break. The panoramic vistas capture my eyes and draw my focus outward, even if only for 20 or 30 minutes. It is also very soothing, stress releasing, and I realize it doesn’t have to be so physically grueling or outwardly dramatic to feel therapeutic, but a source of endless delights. It provides you with an enormous, extended family that you can visit any time you wish, an inexhaustible world of friends (of all shapes and sizes) that, in a sense, are wondering where you have been. This week I walk and symbolically say “hello” and tell them why I have been gone so long.
